Yo everyone. We are a day away from SOE Live, where a veritable nerd herd shall brave the rays of the bright desert sun and descend upon the wonderful city of Las Vegas to discuss a variety of MMO related topics such as “she was actually a guy the whole time” and “how much from the all-you-can-eat buffet are you allowed take back to the room”, the later of which will be measured in pounds…and probably the former, now that I think about it. So with that monumentous occasion looming, I figured this was probably a good time to update the website; to document our dominance in the world of EverQuest officially.
So where we at? Last time you were here, you saw that we firmly put it in Argin-Hiz’s pooper before anyone else; no sloppy seconds for us. But the remainder of the Call of the Forsaken expansion, the final event, was still forthcoming. We were anxious to finish off this pig but we had to wait. That’s when Charlie dropped a surprise attack on us: the final event, The Journey Home, was going live at 3AM EST – an unusual, unprecedented and undermining maneuver. In the end, this proved to be the most challenging aspect of the expansion’s finale: explaining to our wives why we sleep through the alarm for work at 6AM but are up and ready to raid at 3AM. Unsurprisingly, our collective pimp hands were strong and we smacked the shit out of
our wives Zebuxoruk and his team of flunkies for our 6th consecutive #1 serverwide win. Congratulations to all of my misters and sisters in Realm of Insanity.
Disclaimer: I know that on the Tower of Rot update I stated that we were on like 7 consecutive wins but I miscounted. Apologies. When it comes to serverwide expansion victories, we haven’t had to count past 1 in a while so I got all fucked up. In any case: we’re #1, 6 in a row. It is known. XOXOXO
Yo everyone. Competitive EverQuest is starting to feel a lot like masturbating; we’re doing it all by ourselves. And as we all know masturbating gets old quick. So we are seeking sexy and worthy challengers to spice things up. As noted in our previous update, we are the 1st and 2nd guild to beat The Brothers Zek. So only six short days ago we threw out a challenge & a prediction:
“Simply zone into the Plane of War and speak with Jorgar the Pacifist to begin your quest at becoming the #3 guild in the entire universe.”
A gentleman’s challenge if ever there was one. Though I immediately followed it up with some straight Nostradamus shit and made this egomaniacal prediction:
“Check back soon to find out who gets the coveted #3 spot in a heated competition for Best Guilds in the Universe. I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Helm of Insanity.”
Some people called that prediction brave, some people called it brash but those fool suckas should know better than to bet against the aces and kings in Realm of Insanity. I was confident in my Nostradamical prediction; we’d beat The Brothers Zek for a 3rd time and become the undisputed 1st, 2nd and 3rd Best Guild in the Universe.
Everything was going fine until this happened:
*** Hotfix ***
The Brothers Zek – Lowered the damage done by the Zek Brothers…
The Brothers Zek – Lowered the HP and damage values of the adds…
The Brothers Zek – Increased bonus spell damage to adds…
The Brothers Zek – Priests now have a bigger bonus to melee damage…
The Brothers Zek – Adds that are weak to fire now take more damage…
Mere hours after our glorious 2nd victory, those vile heretics at SoE were plotting against us and about to make me look like a false prophet. They turned The Most Difficultiest Event in EverQuest into The Most Nerfiest Event in EverQuest. Worst of all, we had to wait days until we could get back in there and secure another win for our 3rd place victory. Surely the rest of the “hardcore raiding guilds” will use this window of opportunity to beat this now-easy-as-fuck event, grab the 3 spot and usurp our claim to the title of Best Guild in the Universe. THE HORROR OF IT ALL. The fuck were we going to do? We were gonna do what we always do of course; this:
As it turns out, nobody beat the event in it’s handicapable form and as soon as our lockouts were up, we zoned in and beat The Brothers Zek like we were Joe Jackson and they were Tito and Michael.
I would love to offer another challenge but as you can see by the picture above, the winner’s podium only has 3 places to stand and we’re like…standing on all of them. Awkwarrrrrrrd.
Yo everyone. I’ve put this off for a couple of days [editor's note: 9 days], and I don’t even want to be doing it now. Not because I don’t love writing website updates; it’s just hot as the devil’s dick in this room right now and I’m sweating balls. Balls. But tonight I’m not writing this update alone, I’m writing it with Uncle Carlo. Nothing is more motivating than a few of pints of red shit-wine and Uncle Carlo gonna tell you right now. Right now.
So we’ve thoroughly kicked the balls off of Call of the Forsaken, maintaining our reign of
terror happiness as the #1 undisputed EverQuest guild in the entire world; all challenges met and abruptly fisted. So we turned our attention to the Plane of War raid, The Brothers Zek. This is one of those super challenging raids made even more challenging because it was hastily released with little or no care given if anyone could actually beat it or not. An absolute shocker, I know. When SoE squats down and pinches out a raid like that, most guilds usually just go into a sort of holding pattern where they kind of learn the raid while they wait for the inevitable nerf or fix to happen and then run in, beat it and pretend like they’re balls are so big. Well guess what? That shit ain’t happening this time.
Uncle Carlo is here to tell you that your friends over here at Realm of Insanity became the first guild in the entire universe to beat that fucking raid, 47 days after it was released. By now, we’re all used to expansions and raids getting their shit pushed in mere hours after release so this raid taking 47 days to beat says something – that shit ain’t easy. It took everything we had but we worked on it over and over and over again and just kept chipping away until we got it. I’m sure that there are other guilds right around the corner, ready to become the second guild in the entire universe to beat this brutal raid and subsequently the #2 guild in the entire universe.
Hot of the presses, son: Realm of Insanity becomes the second guild in the entire universe to beat this brutal raid making them the undisputed #1 and #2 guild in all of EverQuest and/or universe. Shit’s getting wild. Don’t fret, there is a spot still open and accepting applications. Simply zone into the Plane of War and speak with Jorgar the Pacifist to begin your quest at becoming the #3 guild in the entire universe.
Check back soon to find out who gets the coveted #3 spot in a heated competition for Best Guilds in the Universe. I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Helm of Insanity.