Yo everyone. Look at this shit right here. Look at this shit right here. You’re probably wondering just what in the fuck is going on here. Now don’t panic, let me explain. I know what you’re thinking and it is understandable. This is definitely out of the ordinary and somewhat unexpected. So let me just clear the air and we can move on…
There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to put the past behind him and make a change. It might not always be what you had planned on but life has a funny way of doing that to ya. Well I’ve made a change. I’ve turned a page. And tonight you’re all getting a glimpse into that change…that page, that new chapter. That change I speak of is obviously…doing timely website updates.
Now hold up, don’t get all crazy and shit. Even though we beat the new expansion just yesterday and we have a website update ready for you today, I don’t want you thinking I’ve gotten soft over here. I’m a “stick to my roots not the suits” kind of guy, nam’sayin? It’s just…I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just…we’re still in the honeymoon phase of this lil soirée and lying to a new guild leader about doing timely website updates is really quite thrilling. Last night, I tested the waters a little and pushed it out just 1 day and he ate it right up. Next time, I think I can get 2 days and then 3 days and then 4 days and then 5 and then next thing you know 12 months has gone by without a website update and we’re all tangled in a web of carefully laid lies in an effort to keep The Slack™ intact. It’s better than I could have ever imagined. Realm of Insanity, where dreams really do come true.
There. Now we’re all on the same page so let’s get on with it. So a lot happened yesterday. If you blinked you might have missed it but the much heralded 20th expansion of EverQuest, Call of the Forsaken, was released. I was sitting at work and got an email in the afternoon proudly proclaiming…
And then just moments later…
Ok so it didn’t happen that fast. The real timeline was more like: I was at work and got a text that we were starting raids. I drove 30 minutes, got home, logged into the ground-breaking 20th expansion Call of the Forsaken and the first 2 events were already dead. I went AFK to feed my cat and the expansion was over. True story. No but seriously, I’m exaggerating a little bit. Let’s be fair. There are only 4 events in the expansion so far. Still, they could have been 4 difficult events. Instead, Call of the Forsaken has more casual encounters than Craigslist. This might be the first time in EverQuest history that it took longer to pre-order the expansion than it took to beat it. Still, we crushed it. More importantly, we crushed it before anyone else did making this the fifth consecutive game-wide #1 victory for Realm of Insanity. Fif.
So that’s it for now. We dominate, we celebrate and we masturbate while we patiently await the next installment of Call of the Forsaken. And as always, I promise we’ll have some website updates in the meantime. True story.
Real update coming soon…™
(It really will be soon. No, seriously.)
Twas the Day of the Shadow, And all through Norrath,
RoI was preparing, Even Sottovoce.
The shawl aug equipped after only an hour,
In hopes of a developer reverting its power.
The raiders were hustled all snug in their chairs,
While the excitement of content rose their hairs.
With Euros looming and the others close,
Soon to start raiding with all of their bros.
When the UCS crashed with such a clatter,
We sprang from the hall to begin the splatter.
To Shellfish they raced in such a flash,
Burning children, stealing their cash.
The bugs of the zone puzzled ‘ole Luftt,
Eventually finding the pet must be snuffed.
Then what to his eyes were greeted,
Yellow declaring,“Task Stage Completed.”
With the adventurers poised to begin,
Faster than selos, raiders rushing in.
5 dings of the clock, and raids had begun,
Qulas texted, and told them to run!
On Veshin! On Klak! On Hembra and Poyo!
Log in clerics, before Fllint brings Malfo.
To the banner! Say ‘Ready’ to zone,
“Raidtime! It’s time to own!”
As we walk into the arena, the crowd starts to shout.
We soon discover what this fight is about.
The crowd boos, saying ‘too fast!’
The necros are forced not to cast.
His gear was the best, until recently seen.
Any guild using merit, knows what I mean.
The chest spawns, with loot to award.
Congrats Foob, on your brand new sword.
Luclin shouts as she ascends through the stage,
Delighted to be released from her cage.
The final piece of Cazic rests her in her domain.
To retrieve the power, someone must be slain.
As Luclin falls, and begins her moonwalk,
Back to her chair we resume to talk.
Is there any way to bypass this pointless lore?
Give us the loot, you stupid whore.
We soon realize the flaw in our plan,
Finishing the release the day it began.
We must raid and farm these items galore,
All while wondering, ‘When’s tier four?’